(See here for Two)
When Ben and I were dating, I went out to Nova Scotia for a week after school ended for the summer. We’d been together just about a year at this point, and although I’d met his family, I’d never had a chance to see him on his turf, at his home, in his element.
That summer, Ben was going to be heading to Nevada to work at a camp, and in the last few weeks as school wound down, things seemed strained for us. You know that feeling you sometimes get when something isn’t quite right, and you can’t put your finger on it? Yeah, that was us. Conversations seemed forced, hang outs were quieter, and although we weren’t at all mad at each other, there just seemed to be something missing. We kind of chalked it up to the fact that summer was coming and we knew we’d be forced to spend months apart, but deep down, it scared me a little.
I remember having a conversation with Christy, and telling her that this summer was to be our “make it or break it” summer. The time when we would be able to tell if absence really made our hearts grow fonder.
Fast forward a month, and school was done. I drove out east with Ben, his brother and his grandparents (who had so graciously offered to pick them up from school and drive them home) and started a week of trying to navigate my way through Ben’s world. It was a great week. Overwhelming, but great. (There are a LOT of Bokma’s to meet back home, yo)
One night during that week Ben and I were hanging out in my room before bed (thanks Rachel for giving up your room!!), and our talk started to move in the direction of “something’s not quite right. Right?” To be honest, I can’t remember word for word what we talked about – I mean, when you’re dating, there are SO many conversations that need to be had as you grow and get to know each other. I do remember, however, addressing the fact that something seemed off, but then also following it up with “But we’ll know more at the end of the summer. That’s our test period to see if we’re supposed to be together”. It’s something we’d sort of unofficially agreed on. The funny thing is though, the conversation didn’t end there. It kept going. And Ben started to admit uncertainties he was having too. And people, that was hard. Hard to hear. I mean, as a girl, with feelings, hormones and whatnot, I was often prone in our relationship to go to Ben with “I don’t know about us” talks. And Ben, being somewhat more stable than I, would patiently listen, hear me out, not laugh at my irrational fears, and then pray with me. And through those times we grew. But to hear him say that he wasn’t sure? I didn’t know what to do with that. If both of us weren’t sure, is that our indication that this needed to end?
BUT – it didn’t end there either (thankfully). It turned into a time of utter and complete honesty. A time where we laid it all out on the table (well, bed, but that’s not really a cliché phrase now is it?) and pushed each other past our fears and towards truth. And yes, there were tears (can you guess who’s?) And yes, for a little bit of that talk my heart felt slightly ripped. But at the end of it, there was peace. Peace in having worked through thoughts we didn’t want to have to admit to each other. Peace in knowing we were ok.
And it was then, in that exact moment that I knew. I knew I wanted to marry this man. Because if we could take a situation filled with fear and uncertainty and turn it into a time of rest, then I knew we’d be alright. It caught me off guard, because I’d so conditioned myself to not making a decision until the end of summer, but at the core of who I was, I knew Ben was who I should marry.
People always said “you just KNOW”. And I didn’t quite believe them. But that’s how it was. I just KNEW. And Ben just knew too. And we looked at each other at the end of a long night, and I said “I know I want to marry you” and he said “I know I want to marry you too”.
And now it’s been three years. Three years since we said vows that we still try hard to live out. We are different people than the two that sat on Rachel’s bed back when we were dating. We’re older. I’d like to think wiser. And have grown deeper together. And there have been many more times like the one we had that night. Times when together, we have had to work through stuff, figure stuff out, fight with each other, fight FOR each other, pray, make decisions that grown up adults have to make, laugh, play, cry, sleep, tease, and love. And I wouldn’t give any of it back. And it has been a gift from God to see his hand moving us together, keeping us together and growing us deeper in love.
To Benjy:
Three years goes by fast huh? This year was different than last, for lots of reasons. Our jobs changed, our home changed (a few times), our church changed, our cars changed, and I guess, if I’m being honest, my hair is definitely greyer than this time last year. (Sheesh, that’s a post on it’s own – my lament of my rapidly greying hair).
This year helped me to see that we are pretty good at change. I love knowing you so well, that when we have a decision to make, I know what you’ll say, and how you’ll say it, and that I can trust you.
I think we laughed more together this year, and I loved that too. Our inside jokes, the dumb things we watch together on Youtube, the ways we mock each other, and the times when I try to wrestle you, but it always ends up with me being endlessly tickled and yelling my line “stop! I’m going to throw up!” (I guess by now you know that I won’t actually throw up, but I’m still clinging to the hope that it will scare you into not tickling me for a few moments).
Did we fight? Yeah, we did. Were there days that I maybe wished I had a bigger place than a 1 bedroom apartment so that I could not be in the same room as you for a few minutes? Yeah, there were. Did I let you down as a wife? Oh several times I’m sure.
But beyond all our shortcomings, we have stuck true to putting God back in the middle of things, even when the last thing we want to do is be humble enough to do that. And that is why I know, just like I did 5 years ago, sitting on Rachel’s bed, that you and me? We’re pretty good together.
I still choose you. Today. Like I did that night. And like I did three years ago. You are mine. I am yours. And just like we talked about the other day, it is only by God’s grace that those words will ring true forever.
Happy Anniversary Benjamin.
Love, K.
