Four Hundred Days

That’s how long it’s been since I’ve written anything in this space.  

Four hundred days that have been filled mostly with keeping kids alive and growing, working, changing jobs, and finding out more and more what it means to be the Bokma family of 5.

I have so often lamented that this space lay still for so long – it really was a place that ended up documenting so much of our ordinary, every day lives and it feel as though, for 400 days that just hasn’t happened.  (Ok, who’s kidding who – even though I DID blog 400 days ago, there was another noticeable gap before that post too)

But in the last month or so there seems to be an incremental shift.  One that everyone says comes.  And one that every parent of young kids doesn’t believe will ever be a reality.  And that is this people: the return of free time.   

Now, don’t get me wrong, we’re not talking about the free time of the days of old (pre-kids), where there were hours and hours to just sleep and frolic, and go out, and stay in at whatever leisure your heart desired.  No, no.  Let’s not get silly.   But the free time that comes back in micro-seconds.  You don’t even notice it at first, but eventually, over time, as the kids get just a little bit older, and bedtime gets a  little bit smoother, and the day is said and done, and you find you’re not completely exhausted, you realize, you have a few minutes with – get this – NOTHING TO DO.

And for the first few months of that, you do just that – NOTHING.  Because you still can’t believe that it’s a thing, and you’re afraid that if you move, you’ll jinx it.  But eventually, when it continues on a semi-regular basis, you realize that maybe just maybe you can use these minutes for something productive.  Like, say, read a few pages of a book.  Or exercise again. Or actually reply to an email.  

And so I’ve decided that this is my attempt to take some of those minutes and see what I can do to maybe breathe some life back into this little space of mine.  I’m well aware that this “free time” could be yanked away at a moment’s notice, but for now, let’s just enjoy the fact that there are more words in this post than the amount of days since I last posted.

 

 

Dear Silas

Hey sweet boy,

Welcome to my blog.  You are currently 15 months old and well kiddo, I hate to say it, but this is the first letter you’ve received from me here.  There are so many factors for why this is the case, the biggest one being because I don’t actually blog anymore (much to my dismay)
There are ALSO several factors to why THAT is the case, the primary one being that YOU NOW EXIST AND I HAVE NO FREE TIME. Kind of a catch-22 really.  I so often lament the fact that I’ve let this space die a little bit, and that I have far less documentation of the little things that I’m afraid I’ll forget about you if I don’t note them down here.  But the fact that I’m busy taking you in, enjoying who you are, and well, just doing this thing called life with three kids 5 and under, is WHY I’ve let this space die a little bit.   

And so, tonight, I find myself with a sliver of time and quiet, and figured writing you was a good way to spend that time.  Your monthly letters DO exist – just not on here (yet) and so tonight, I figure I’ll just start with today and let you know how you being the 15 month version of you is so incredibly awesome.

Silas, these nights you have kind of protested going to bed.  (My oh my has THAT ever been a theme in your little life).  You are usually pretty good about grabbing your elephant, rolling over and going to sleep but the past few weeks you wail and wail.  And so we have a little routine these nights kiddo that if I’m being honest, I hope will keep going just a little while longer.  After I put you to bed for the first time and leave you for a bit, I’ll head back in and grab you just one more time.  We sit in the rocking chair in the dim-light of your room and just kind of be. 
You contentedly sit on my lap, facing me and your little fingers just explore my face.  Then you’ll lean your forehead into mine and just stay that way for a while.  And then you’ll find a little burst of energy and pop your head up and go “eeenh?” and point furiously at something.  I gently say “No kiddo, it’s time for sleeping” and you happily oblige and gently find my face again.  
I’ll sing to you a little bit and you grin and grin (my oh my has that ALSO been a theme of your little life) and you’ll raise your hands above your head.  I’m not entirely sure why, except that I think you just think every song has actions that must involve this movement at some point.  Itsy Bitsy Spider is your personal favourite and you dance and put your little fingers together excitedly.
And then it’s back to resting on me and just being near me again.  

Silas, having done this baby thing a few times before, I know just how fleeting it is.  And I know that you seem older than you really are, because you just seem so BIG these days.  But having been here twice already, I know that you really are still a little baby, and you are my little baby and well, I’ll happily partake in “round two” of bedtime for just a little bit longer.  

So, there you have it.  It may just be one little memory, and I’m sure there are hundreds that I have hoped to remember that have left the sieve of a brain that I have these days, but Si-guy, you have to know that whether I can remember them all or not, I absolutely take them all in.  

You are a gift of the best kind.

 

Snapshots

Because if I don’t have time to get the words down, at least there can be pictures right?

From left to right: (See you KNEW I couldn’t put a post up with JUST pictures right? This girl’s gotta talk….)

1. It’s so ordinary, but something I don’t really want to forget.  If I ever sit at the piano, if only to putz around, it doesn’t take Zeke long to run up to the instruments bin in the toy room and come down with (usually) the Ukulele.  He loves to sing, play and make up songs, and I love that.
2. Ben’s parents went on a 2 week trip to Israel and on the night they returned, we performed a highly covert mission to the church parking lot where their car was to decorate it before they returned home.  It was very sneaky and AFTER bed time, so you can imagine how many awesome mom points I scored that day.
3. Oh this boy.  He is into everything, all the time and I love it.
4. He also fell down the stairs.  Like, all of the stairs.  Uugh.  And had a MASSIVE goose egg and bruise for a while.  It’s finally almost cleared up.
5. In early January we had family pictures done!  Here are a few of them! It also meant we could FINALLY send out a birth announcement for Silas.  It’s cool that he’s almost 11 months right?!?!

I’m Still (sort of) Here

Just popping in to say hello!  I say this every time I come back to blog that I genuinely want to write in this space more and, but it’s true!

It’s tough with three littles to keep alive, and our world so much preferring to consume Instagrammable bite sized shots of life, to really have the motivation to write here as much as I did.

But when I log in and see that readers have checked in, it does make me want to keep things going!

So consider this a check in of sorts.  Know that “on paper” (read: on the computer, just not on the blog yet), I am writing monthly updates to Silas, and hope to get those up here at some point.  (Remember him? That third child I never write about anymore?)

One thing you guys have to know though is that he is literally the happiest baby out there. Sweet mercy can he light up a room with his smile.  We are so blessed by his presence in our life.  See what I mean?

Oh you guys, I could fill pages and pages with how great this kid is.  Maybe I will someday soon.  Ellie and Zeke continue to just keep getting bigger and stunning me with the things they know, and can do.  It hits me sometimes that we just have KIDS now.  For so long we just had toddlers, and now we have real-life, honest to goodness KIDS.  Zeke is only three, so I’m desperately trying to keep him in the toddler zone, but he vocabulary is kind of ridiculous, as are the concepts he understands, so he is much more kid than I would care to admit to.

I am doing my best to soak in my last few months of mat leave (wow did that year every go by quickly), and while some days feel like I just spin my wheels all day with not much to show for it at the end, this year off has been SUCH a sweet time.

Ok, this is probably the most disjointed update I’ve ever written but at least it happened.  We’re celebrating the small victories here people.

Until I show up here again,

Karmyn

My Post Election Thoughts

For starters, let’s just all take a breath shall we?  I have really hesitated writing anything at all about this whole Trump-is-now-the-President reality we find ourselves in because it has felt like collectively, as a universe (or at least a continent), we got so riled up, we started talking before we started thinking.

Yesterday, scrolling through facebook, I was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of links, commentaries, articles, statuses and tweets that were being shared left right and centre.  This absolutely isn’t a judgement against anyone who posted anything, or shared anything – I had to resist the urge to hit like, share, angry-face-emoticon, etc, etc etc, just as much as the next person.  But just like in real life relationships, sometimes, you need to pause before speaking, wait 24 hours before replying to an email, and walk away instead of engaging in an argument.  Yesterday felt very much like that.  And while I know that it is well within my power to just not login to social media, and that I could have chosen to just step away from it all, I didn’t.  And so while I didn’t add my own two cents to the hurricane of it all, I certainly took a lot of it in. (as I’m sure many of you did)

Firstly, I found myself during most of the past 48 hours sitting in a seat of judgment.  It’s embarrassing to admit that, but it’s true.  I’ve judged Trump (a WHOLE heck of a lot), I’ve judged his supporters (probably even more), and I’ve judged on varying scales all of the clips/memes/articles etc that have circulated on how inspirational, motivational and true to my views they all are.  It’s an exhausting place to be in.  And I don’t think it’s what I’m called to do.   While I am absolutely allowed to disagree with so many of the actions and values that Trump exudes (oozes may be a better word choice here),  and while much of what he shouts from the podium is so un-Jesus like that I would be remiss if I didn’t have some level of holy discontent with him, the bottom line truth is that he is of infinite worth to Jesus, as we all are.

That said however, I do hold such a sadness for what took place 2 nights ago.  It is sad to me that money, power and persuasion win, and the prize is more money, power and persuasion.  And the “losers” often lack all three of those things.  (I’m not talking about Clinton here, either)

We shouldn’t be surprised.  I mean, we should – because HOW IN THE HECK did this just happen?  But our world is broken, and while things like this election shine a light on that truth a little more, nothing has changed really. As a follower of Jesus, Nov 9th, 10th and onward, should look no different for me than Nov 8th did.  Each and every day we are called to love our enemies, fight for the oppressed, and give a drink of water to those who are thirsty.  All this election did was remind me of this calling a little more urgently.

I have found myself thankful for 2 things post election: I am so proud to be Canadian.  Not because “we are better and would never do something like vote Trump in as President”  but just because, gosh darnit, we have it pretty good up here don’t we?  (As I revel in my year-long maternity leave)

I am so thankful that the kingdom of God is an upside down one.  If you find yourself reading this and aren’t a Christian, or don’t know much about Jesus, know this:  He came to break down power. When our world holds in such high regard those that have power, money and persuasion, the kingdom of God is one that says “God’s love for you is infinite regardless of those things.”  There is a hope and a peace for each of us because of Jesus.  The Jesus that sat with the poor, the outcast, the lonely, the sinners (read: all of us), the sick and the oppressed.  Those “losers” I referred to earlier?  Jesus calls them blessed.  They are of infinite worth to Jesus.

And so regardless of where you stand on this election (and really and truly, I have promised myself to stop judging anyone based on who they voted for), as the thoughts swirl around your head, like they have mine – fix those thoughts on Jesus.  Get to know Him if you don’t.  And if you do – than fix those thoughts on whatever is noble, true, lovely, admirable, excellent or worthy of praise.  Figure out how to live out his Love.

 

Sticking it to the Man

There are many reasons why I love my husband, several of which, I won’t get into now.  But one of those reasons is because he is pretty shameless fearless when it comes to interacting with sales people, and the public in general. Sometimes this does cause me to wander away, usually down another aisle of whatever store we are in until, pretending I’m not with him until he’s done conversing with them, and usually walking away with a much better deal than what has been advertised.    I seriously can’t believe the things he’ll get away with asking for and it makes me want to be invisible for a few moments.

This week, our local grocery store has had some pretty sweet deals on meat.  **It’s at this point that I should probably warn you this is going to turn into a responsible mature adult blog post about getting a sweet deal on meat…..Oh how the 25 year old version of me that started this blog 9 years ago would hang her head in shame at what sorts of things I consider blog worthy now.**   So, anyway, I come home last night with a few hunks of pork sirloin, some chicken breast, and 4 packs of ground beef and comment on how great the deals were.  Ben agrees and says we should stock our freezer, and clean out their supply.  He’s not wrong – I mean we SHOULD take advantage of this – but I say to him “You’ll have to be the one to do that – I’d be way to embarrassed to load up with that many packs of ground beef.”

(You can see where this is going)

So tonight Ben comes home and shows me this receipt

.

 He was so proud that he saved almost exactly as much as he bought and said that this is his way to stick it to the man.  We also learned that when there is no max limit on a sale item, the unspoken maximum is 24. There’s a tid bit of information you never thought you’d need to know.   Take that, man.

Side note: If anyone is in need of some meat, I may know a freezer where you can get some.

 

Back At It

You know those daily memories that facebook sends you way?  The ones that show you pictures of your cute babies from 4 years ago when they weren’t almost 5 years old?  Today’s memory was about a blog post I wrote a few years back and shared on facebook, and so I clicked the link to re-read it.
I was caught down a rabbit hole of blog post, after blog post and was starkly reminded that I once loved this space. Writings that at the time seemed a little mundane, or pointless now seem rich with memories.  Things that probably actually were mundane at the time, that I never would have taken the time to journal about, or take a picture of, I now have noted somewhere to reminisce about the days, weeks and years that have passed.

It served as a great reminder that this place is important to me.  It’s not about readership, or goodness, even if I’ve taken time to edit each word (because YIKES, some of those posts had some rough grammar, folks) but that it’s about capturing the ordinary.

And so I’m back.  I don’t know what that means, or how often that will be, or even if I’ll stay at this web address. (Let’s be honest, it’s HIGH TIME to come up with something a little more creative than benandkarmyn no?)  But I am going to carve out the time to be here.
So stay with me, will you?  Welcome- if you’re new here! (I’m still baffled that people have faithful been reading, even with such long breaks), and THANK YOU to those that peek in here from time to time.  Say a hello and let me know you’re here.

Here’s to a new season of taking time, brain space and pause to make note of the life going on around us.

Sorry For the Late Reply

Oh you guys, this has seemed to be my MO the past 6 weeks. Every email, text and returned phone call has seemed to start with these 5 words, and while I truly AM sorry that I can’t seem to get back to people in a timely manner, I have also resigned myself to the fact that this is kind of how it is going to be for a while.

At the best of times, I am not an awesome cell phone owner.  I don’t love the insta-world we live in, and have always sort of balked at the idea of constantly needing to be attached to my phone for fear of missing a text or a phone call.  For this reason, we held onto a landline much longer than was probably financially wise (given that both our cell phones are paid for by our jobs…) and I still am getting used to needing to pull my phone OUT of my purse because someone might actually need to get a hold of me.  And yes, I do realize how old and crotchety this makes me all sound.

And now, since having Silas, free time is a wee bit of a luxury these days, and while I am aware that it really only takes thirty seconds to reply to a text, if only to say “got it – I’ll reply later”, sometimes that thirty seconds isn’t available until days end, hours after said text or email was sent.

So if you’ve received said apology from me in the past month and half, you can be assured of a few things: 1)My delayed reply is not indicative of how I feel about our relationship and 2) Yes, you probably DID just get trumped by a poopy diaper, or changing a spit up onesie.  (But again, let me assure you that I really don’t hold poop in higher regard that you)

While you’re waiting for me to answer you – you can just stare at this face for a while.

Party of Five

It is currently 12:48 am, and my entire family is sleeping.  I should probably also be sleeping, but that’s the funny thing about having a newborn – sometimes your sleep schedule is so out of whack, that even though you are most definitely supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps”, sometimes your body is so dang used to being up at all hours of the night, it’s raring to go at 12:48 am. 

Plus?  When you are now outnumbered by kids, 12:48 am is LITERALLY THE ONLY TIME TO GET ANYTHING ACCOMPLISHED.  

That’s not entirely true, but when it comes to the non-essential, non-urgent tasks like blogging, it kind of is.  

And so I’ll be keeping this short, but I just so want to keep this space updated and make at least a measly attempt to document our days, these days.

Life with Silas has been so sweet thus far.  He is a great baby, which, we are well aware could change at a moments notice, because that’s how babies roll – but we’ll take it for now!  He has started giving me a 5-7 hour stretch of sleep at night.  (I KNOW.)  And so truthfully, I’m actually feeling pretty normal for having a 2 week old baby.  When I say normal I still mean the kind of normal that involves having your boobs function as an open bar and the fact that I’m still only averaging 1 shower every three days, but that’s the thing with parenthood, it’s surprising how quickly you can adapt to a new normal all over again.

The other two kids are so sweet with him and the transition of adding him to our family has been really smooth for them, for which we are thankful.  Ellie said the other day “mom, I wish you could have twenty babies, because Silas is JUST SO CUTE”.  NOT HAPPENING KID.  Zeke has taken on the role of a proud older brother like a champ and his current favourite activity is to hold Silas’ soother in his mouth – whether he wants it or not -and loves to call him Si Guy.  (Which he does in this ridiculously high baby talk voice that couldn’t possibly get any cuter)

I have been trying my best to soak these days in.  That’s the thing with having been around this block twice before- there are things that I just knew that I wanted to do differently.  One of which was to not feel any ounces of guilt for choosing extra snuggles over chores.  Or for sitting on my butt instead of tackling a task.  These newborn days really are so fleeting, and it really is a big deal to birth a baby, and I wanted to honour those two facts more this time.  To give my body permission to rest well, recover well and not feel any urgency to “get back to it”.   And to hold my baby more than ever.  They only smell like a newborn for so long.  Their breath only smells of sweet milk for a while.  The folds in the crooks of their neck can’t ever be over-kissed, and they just grow and grow.  And so while yes, life is busy with three kids.  And while yes, life kind of has to carry on as normal with schedules, and school pick ups and meals to be made, etc.  I am finding pockets of time where it’s just me and him.  And his soft cheeks, and wrinkly toes, and sweet smelling head.  And it is oh so sweet.

 

 

Introducing…

Silas David Bokma.  Born May 13, at 10:44 in the morning and weighing 8 lbs 3 oz.  (The smallest of our babies!)

He came fast and furiously into this world, and while different than my other births (no time for a pool!) still so incredible and meaningful.  We are all doing well and are healthy, and I can’t wait to share more of him on this space.